A sparse but hardy group decided to throw some cards at Smiley’s swanky South End pad once again. Everyone who didn’t come missed the chance to see Miller’s awesome Dr. Doom gloves (affectionately dubbed “The Cheese Graters of Doom”), the spiffy new folding chairs made out of iron and padding and the insane display of bad karma for poor old Neil.

The low numbers meant many games were on the table, so a lot of stud was mixed into regular rounds of Hold ‘Em and Omaha. Early round games saw Dirty and Smiley build some nice stacks. Eric and Neil played tight but just couldn’t get any cards. Chris’ stack swelled and shrunk like the tides, until a massive hand of Baseball early in the night saw him take a ginormous chip lead that he would lord over the table for the remainder of the games.

Further rounds of Omaha saw Neil take some catastrophic all-in losses thanks to several well timed river cards. Miller’s play saw him build some stacks only to lose out on some decent calls that just didn’t cut the mustard. Dirty’s once proud stack was soon decimated, but he managed to turn his first buy-in into a comfortable stack in short order. Smiley’s cryptic style of concealing his chips and cards with his hands made it hard to see how well he was doing, but he was smiling so who knows.

A few big hands of split-pot stud saw Dirty and Chris taking both ends of the pot, furthering their large stacks. Neil’s despair deepened as he failed to get decent hands and the hands he did move in on were summarily destroyed on the river by better hands. Chris saw his once omipotent stack slowly dwindle to a mere gargantuan one, as Miller solidified his position heading into Crazy Games.

The usual suspects were played, including Smiley’s Jesus Saves stud variation. Chris invented some kind a new Guts game called “Class Warfare” that allowed extra cards to be purchase based on a share of the pot. Neil desperately doubled-up a few times only to fall short on the third attempt, again thanks to the magic of the river card. Refusing to buy in for a sixth time, he watched the foursome hurl chips at one another in Pregnant Cows, Montezuma’s Revenge, Tic Tac Toe and more. In what seems to be a recurring theme in HGPA weekly games, a large Gang War was the last hand of the night, and the game was called at 1 a.m. sharp.

Big Winner: Chris likely had far more at one point, but still managed to cash out at a very respectable +$60.

Big Loser: Neil, keeping with his desire to be Big Something every week, to the tune of -$50

Quadalicious: Several people hit quads in non-crazy games through the night. Coupled with Miller’s Quadraphonia at the tourney last Saturday and it’s been raining them all week.

Old Man River: Neil saw his better hand decimated not once, not twice, not three, four, five or six times, but SEVEN times courtesy of the river card. Suffice to say, this did not do wonders for his morale over the evening.

Bob & Baseball: Despite no Bob, Baseball was played. And not even during the Crazy Games! Must have been the baseball on the TV influencing us.

Chips Ahoy!: Smiley knocked over his own stack of chips several times and was also nice enough to smash Dirty’s chips off the table at least 3-4 times over the course of the evening.

Throwing Down The Gauntlet: While not being forced into an Eric’s Trip this week, at one point Miller donned his Dr. Doom gauntlets to “turn his luck around”. Upon realizing he couldn’t manipulate his cards with any realistic expertise, he quickly ditched them.

Quote of the Night: “Unnnnnnngh … excellent. Well, here you go.” – Neil, after seeing the only card in the deck that could beat him arrive on the river, having to deliver all of his chips to Smiley in what was a common occurance during the evening.

Another week back at the snuggly table at Smiley’s place. Early fears of low numbers were quickly allayed and we dove into cards headlong.

Hold ‘Em and Omaha dominated much of the early play. Dirty and Smiley had the luck of the Irish and both enjoyed numerous pots early on. Chris was into his second buy-in pretty early on, and Alex and Miller soon joined him.

A lot of pre-flop raises meant a sizeable amount of money being shuffled about. Mal made a couple of large pots, only to lose them all almost right away. Drake made a couple of big moves but failed to capitalize, sending him to the sidelines for a while. Neil won a big hand every 10th hand or so to keep him around neutral for much of the early going.

As the night progressed and more and more buy-ins meant more and more chips out on the table, the stakes were raised considerably. Mal pulled out a massive hand with quad Aces, which he coasted on for the rest of the night. Neil put a serious dent into Smiley’s stack after unknowningly hitting a backdoor flush to take out Smiley’s straight. Chris hit a few magical hands to slowly turn his fortunes around after hitting his $40 limit for buy-ins not much earlier. Alex, also in the hole for $40 also began restoring his stack with some large bets and gutsy calls.

Drake bought back in but soon found himself once again sidelined, which opened the door for some split-pot Stud games. The usual head to head splits occurred, with nobody able to get the big both-ender that usually sends the chips all one way. Eric’s woes continued, and Neil hit a few big hands in a row to build a sizeable collection of black chips.

Heading into Crazy Games, Garbage Day, Slaughterhouse, Mass Barbecue, Federation Day, Montezuma’s Revenge, eBay and a new game smiley invented called Jesus Saves all made showings. Not surprisingly, a lot of chips moved around, as Smiley and Dirty saw their earlier fortunes wane into poverty while Chris, Alex and Neil enjoyed a boomtime. Mal rode his earlier winnings in comfort, and Eric staved off complete bankruptcy with a few clutch hands. After large gang war left Neil with a large majority of the chips on the table, the game was called.

Big Winner: Neil, with +$110 off a single $10 buy-in (including a roll of quarters. Nice!)

Big Loser: Eric seemed to be the most down, likely around -$40 or so (but he also got a roll of quarters to soften the blow)

Big Swinger: Smiley went from clear Big Stack early to 4th or 5th in a matter of 2-3 hands of Omaha. Yowza.

Comeback Kids: Chris turned a -$40 into a +$0.35 in fairly short order. Alex also turned a -$30 into a spiffy +$15 profit near the end of the night.

Opiate of the Masses: The 2006 Scream Awards on Spike TV captivated many people at the game, with a precocious blend of glitz, titz and faux horror and comic-book geekery.

Science Content: The optic nerve is the second of twelve paired cranial nerves but is considered to be part of the central nervous system as it is derived from an outpouching of the diencephalon during embryonic development. Consequently, the fibers are covered with myelin produced by oligodendrocytes rather than the Schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system. Also, if you happen to cut this thing with a pair of rusty scissors, a thick white liquid will spurt out of the now vacated eyeball. Thank you, Spike TV.

Startling Revelation: Frank Miller, the diminutive graphic novelist, artist and film director best known for his film noir-style comic book stories, is apparently “a nerd”. Stop the presses.

Bob & His Balls: No Bob = no baseball held true again tonight. Huzzah!

Quote of the Night: “It’s a lot like when you fuck a fat chick – it feels great for a few minutes, but afterwards you feel awful and you’re all like ‘what the fuck was I thinking?!’ “ – Neil, describing the mental effects of a hangover donair.

Honorable Mention: “Who the fuck watches this kind of shit anyways?” – Mal, commenting on the Scream Awards that he intently watched and scrutinized for a full two hours.

I have almost no clear recollection of what happened last night thanks to my heroic intake of Jagermeister. I was so intoxicated that I am even having difficulty remembering what happened before I got smashed, which is never a good sign.

Anyways, the Coles Notes version:

Everyone came over and we started playing cards around 9:30 or so. Omaha and Hold ‘Em, with some Guts in there as well. I dumped a significant amount of Jager onto myself and my chips, perhaps a desperate act of self-preservation vainly perpetrated my liver.

Smiley and Dirty appeared to have a lot of the chips, until Chris rocked Smiley with a clutch card on the river to nail quad 3s. Chris seemed to keep most of this money while myself, Eric and Carsten were soon sent back into our wallets.

At some point we busted Carsten out and played some stud and I lost a lot of money. Eric’s Trip occured as Miller had to hit the ATM down the road. I got to the end stage of G.I. Joe on the MAME during one of the breaks. Alex cashed out around 12:30 a.m. and we started playing crazy games. Chris made up some game that confused everyone. I remember Gang War being played. A lot of money was in the middle and none of it came towards me.

We stopped playing at some point and everyone left. I woke up on my couch around dawn with a half-eaten pizza pocket on my chest, PBS blaring some special about the disapperance of wetlands and a disturbing gap in my recollection of what had occured over the previous few hours.

Big Winner: No idea, but Chris and Dirty seemed to have a lot of chips so I presume it’s one of them.

Big Loser: Clearly me, with at least $60 and a large slice of my lifespan being lost.

Riverdance: Chris definitely should have done one when he rivered a magical 3 to hit quads over Smiley’s full house for a game-shattering sized pot.

Science Content: Jägermeister is a strong (70-proof; 35%) liqueur flavored with herbs (similar to Danish stomach bitters such as Gammel Dansk, the Hungarian Unicum, or Czech liqueur Becherovka). The name Jägermeister comes from the German words Jäger and Meister meaning “master of the hunt” or “master hunter” in the sense of “expert” or “committed” hunter. Contrary to urban legends, Jägermeister contains neither deer blood nor opium. Also, this shit will get Neil fucking hammered out of his mind, esp. when swilled straight out of a glass.

Baseball Shocker: We actually played some even though Bob wasn’t around to insist that we do.

Quote of the Night: Some joke I made about a guy sodomizing Chris delivered in the form of a golf analogy, but I can’t for the life of me remember what the fuck I said. Everyone laughed for a bit, so I am guessing it was gangbusters, whatever it was.

Honorable Mention: “I have a right to hate whoever the fuck I want.” – Drake reasserting his cheery demeanor after I had commented that he had a right to hate people he had previously lived with.

A motley crue assembled in the confines of Smiley’s apartment for some cards. The evening was marked by it’s general tone of everyone doing pretty well at some point, as well as some really great hands being beaten by even better hands.

Early rounds of Hold ‘Em didn’t see a huge change in chips, although Eric did temporarily build a nice stack. Alex played a little more aggresively than usual and it paid dividends. Drake’s normal defensive style belied the massive hangover that added to his usual cheery mood. A substantial intake of marijuana held Neil, Dirty, Speedbag and Smiley to try and piece together what was going on. Brian seemed bemused by our style of play and quickly squandered his original buy-in before adjourning to the nearby couch to begin a three hour nap.

Not surprisingly, the chips began to dance when Omaha came around. Drake memorably nailed quad Aces but only had $3.60 to triple up on. Alex built a decent sized stack while Eric and Neil both saw their stacks bleed out. Dirty hit a pair of nice hands to bankroll future endeavours, and Smiley shielded his chips so much with his hands that I have no idea how well he was doing. Speedbag held on as long as he could but was finally busted out for the night along the way.

With Eric and Neil both into their second buyins, some Guts and more Hold ‘Em was played. Emboldened by the increased number of chips on the table, a few large hands were won by differing people, but without Bob and Chris around to bully the table, Alex decided to guard his stack. Despite some valiant efforts, it wasn’t long before Drake was forced out and Neil and Eric were both sent back into their wallets, along with Smiley.

Some Seven Card stud once again realloted many of the chips to new owners, and the playing field was pretty level for most of the night. Around this time Marchant arrived and plunked himself into the mix with aplomb, perhaps knowing it was his last dance with the HGPA before heading to Calgary.

Heading into crazy games, Alex drove Speedbag and Drake home while some Federation Day, Pregnant Cows, eBay, Garbage Day and Montezuma’s Revenge were played. The latter saw the pot steadily grow to upwards of $18, thanks in no small part to Dirty hitting trips twice in a row, dwarfing Eric’s straight to the ace and Neil’s straight to the king. Neil hit quad 10s in a game of Choose your Own Adventure, but couldn’t get anyone to bite. Some Dirty Mexican Whore saw Marchant eat up two Queens and make a bizzare call despite being beaten on board. Dirty took down a huge Pregnant Cows pot with five aces, and Alex soon also matched the feat with a similar hand. Marchant exacted some revenge with some classic use of the Man with the Axe in Slaughterhouse, reducing Alex’s surefire five aces to a mere two pair. Neil nailed a nice five 10s hand to draw close to even, while Eric struggled to keep afloat. After a fairly tame GangWar, the game was called around 1:30 with some tense card cutting to divvy up the change.

Big Winner: Alex, with +$45 on the night

Big Loser: Eric, with -$40 overall

Spare Some Change?: Neil brought $60 in fives and we still didn’t have enough change.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame: No Bob apparently means No Baseball, as we didn’t play any this week

Hey DJ: The strange confluence of MP3s and Rogers Blue Jay’s Baseball blaring in the room didn’t do anyone any favours when trying to concentrate

When You’re Smiling: Smiley literally had a shit-eating grin on his face the entire night.

The Name Game: “The Bamboozler”, given by Neil to Speedbag’s new bamboo & coconut bong

Quote of the Night: “Don’t let him finish, or else he’ll become impervious to our attacks.” – Drake, commenting on Eric’s idiosyncratic aligning of his chips in the tray

A band of six began the night around 10 p.m. and immediately settled into quick rounds of Hold ‘Em and Omaha. Cracker was all in around Hand #3, continuing the HGPA tradition of early fireworks. Neil took a big hand off Cracker before fading to the background till much later in the night. Miller hit some nice hands early and often, a theme that would dominate much of the evening.

Omaha had it’s usual effect on games, as a lot of chips were passed around from one player to another. Alex employed his famed pre-flop scare tactics, and Drake played his hands cautiously. Chris made several big moves that had his stack shrinking and bulging like a pendulum. Cracker’s fortunes last week were not evident this week as he was soon into a second and then third buy-in.

The numbers allowed several hands of Stud and variants to be played, with only a few large pots to speak of. One particularly disasterous hand saw Eric claim a massive pot after several people went all in, pushing Miller to Big Stack for the rest of the night. Drake’s cautious play saw him with a large pile of red chips, but they slowly dwindled over the course of the evening.

Speedbag and Marchant showed up around 11 p.m., and rounds of Hold ‘Em and Omaha were again afoot. Cracker busted out for a third time, and he was done for the night. Chris’ once large stack fled him, and Neil was forced into a third buy-in. Alex played his few remaining chips cautiously, as Marchant failed to find the mark on a couple of hands. Speedbag’s $10 buyin didn’t last him too long, and soon he and Drake were both busted out. Marchant was cleaned out by Eric, who at this point was holding well over 2/3 of the total money on the table, and a break was called before Crazy Games.

Federation Day, some other Crazy Federation Day, Witchhunt, Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, “Federomaha” (Federation Day + Omaha) and “Cattle Rancher” (Pregnant Cows + Omaha) were all played, with a lot of money being tossed around the table. Drake and Marchant’s rebuy for Crazy Games did not last long, while Neil doubled up a couple of times to come out of the hole for the night. Eric wisely did not risk his daunting pile of black chips, and Alex just tried to stay afloat against many larger stacks. Neil took a nice $25 pot off Chris, hamstringing him for the rest of the night. After an absurd “K-Q-J-10-9 straight flush losing to not one but TWO Royal Flushes” event saw Neil and Eric take what was left of Chris’ stack in Cattle Rancher, the game was called at a reasonable 12:55 a.m. with only three people left in the money.

Big Winner: Eric, with a respectable +$100 for the night.

Big Loser: Cracker, back to form with -$30.

Lucky Duck Award: Eric hit a cartoonish amount of his straight draws, resulting in many large pots heading his way.

And The Grammy Goes To … : George Clinton, which Alex described as “the best poker music we’ve ever had”.

Going Deep: Speedbag actually saw the button pass him a few times before busting out.

Baseball & Bob: Without Bob around, nobody had to endure a game of Baseball all night. Yay!

Omaha Oops Moment: Marchant calling a big pot thinking he had the A-high straight, only to realize after the chips hit the pot the old “have to use two cards” rule.

Insanely Bad Call of the Night: Neil spending $10 trying to bluff someone out of a Stud pot while two other people who were beating him on board were already all in.

Confidence Man: Eric made several decent sized calls without even looking at his cards – since he was too busy counting and meticulously organizing his many chips, it didn’t seem to faze him.

Casting Call: With EBOC gone and Jerod MIA, a collective realization that we are in need of a shaggy, long-haired stoner, preferably resembling a hobbit or woodsman. Apply within.

New Catchphrase?: “Suck on that, bitches.” – Uttered by Cracker after a rare win.

Quote of the Night: “The pot’s working.” – Everyone in unison, moments after Neil had again inexplicably misdealt several cards, and a reference to when he had said the same thing post-smoke-up on the front porch while trying to explain his irrational behaviour and forgetful nature.

A larger than expected turnout once again descended on Allan Street to throw some cards. The volume of players reduced the volume of cards played, but all told fun times had by all.

An initial round of Texas Hold ‘Em saw the HGPA waiting a full three hands before the premiere All In call and subsequent bust out, quite a change from the blistering pace set in recent weeks. As is his nature, Bob built a large chip stack early after busting a couple of people out, and infamously vowed to “fold the rest of the night”. Dirty also amassed a large stack after a couple of big wins, while Eric and Alex struggled to find the cards. Marchant and Neil played cautious, barely seeing a turn for a long while. Smiley saw his stack fluctuate thanks to bad luck on the draws, and Drake played his usual cautious style, picking his spots and guarding his buy-in.

Cracker soon arrived with much needed tonic for Neil’s gin, and alarmed many onlookers with actual thought-out play, resulting in several large takedowns. Chris arrived not long after and began a series of aggresive bets that saw his stack grow and shrink with each hand. Omaha had its typical stupefying effect on the stacks as people eagerly tossed in blinds to see the flops – a series of pre-flop raises soon took hold, shaking out people less confident in their hands. Bob’s large stack shrank somewhat as reckless play was rewarded with good rivers. Drake took down a couple of large hands, as did Marchant. Eric was into his third rebuy when Neil took a large pot down thanks to a rivered Ace. Alex used some decent leverage to win a couple of pots unchallenged, as Smiley and Dirty saw their chips slowly drain away.

Cracker’s unusually smart play paid dividends as he cashed out around midnight up some money. Another half-hour of Omaha and Texas Hold ‘em saw Dirty and Smiley go belly up, while Eric began to turn his fortunes around. Bob’s once proud stack dwindled and Drake built up a nice wall. Chris had the last of his stack taken out on an all in by Neil, leaving a band of six to tackle Crazy Games around 12:30 a.m.

Sneaky Peeky, Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, Baseball, Federation Day, Slaughterhouse and Witchhunt all made showings with the expected insane results. Marchant almost won a game of Baseball with a pair of 5s, which was kind of insane. Alex managed to grab a nice pot off Neil heads-up by correctly accusing him of being a witch, a first for the game. Eric scored a pair of large pots to cash out up over $60, completing an impressive comeback. Bob soon busted out totally after The Man With The Axe slaughtered some cows, and after Neil drew three consecutive wild cards to hit five Aces over Drake’s four Ks, Neil found himself holding a large percentage of the night’s chips. With only three players left and two of them short-stacked, Alex and Marchant agreed to cash out and the night drew to a close.

Big Winner: Neil with an unexpected +$100 off a single $10 buy-in. (Trivia: Neil has been either Big Winner or Big Loser for a HGPA record five consecutive weeks now – what a glory hog.)

Big Loser: Not really sure there was one – several people lost $20, I think. Someone please clarify.

Comeback Kid: Eric heroically turned a -$30 into a +$61 thanks to some amazing pots and cardplay in the latter stages of the game

Doppleganger Alert: Cracker played his cards correctly the entire night and actually won some chips. Clearly the real Cracker is locked in a basement somewhere.

Bad Bluffs: Alex got caught on a pair of massive full-out have nothing bluffs, which proved costly in terms of chips.

Strange Fact: Not a single game of Guts was played all night. Hmm.

Bad Beat of the Night: Eric’s full house getting schooled by Dirty’s slightly better full house in a big score in Omaha.

River King: Neil’s all-in bluff actually paying out after rivering an Ace to give him top two pair.

You’re The One With The Gambling Problem, Sir!: Drake lost an extra $5 ($1.5 million dollars in Drake money) to Neil playing heads-up Blackjack at 4 a.m. That’s on top of the $20 he borrowed from Neil in the first place.

Someone’s Been Reading Poker Jargon: Chris using “all day” like a pro to descrive the current total posted bet. Subsequently used to describe almost everything that was happening. (“Drake is beating people at Street Fighter all day”, “Neil’s all day consumption of gin is pretty impressive”, etc etc)

Quote of the Night: “Ngggh za raaan naaaar da flumman unnnnn, narma mmma nominon zzaaaaaa . . .” – A yawning Bob chiming in on something related to something, as not a single person had any idea what he was saying.

Honorable Mention: “I just want to warn you all, I have a really good hand here.” – Dirty, warning us all he had a really good hand before taking Eric to the cleaners with a full house.

Other Honorable Mention: “This is the best possible Omaha hand ever, suckers.” – Bob, curiously dubbing his 9-9-4-4 the best possible hand to have pre-flop in a game of Omaha. He then backed this claim up by totally cleaning two players out on the ensuing 9-9-9-6-6 full house.

I have to level with you all – I was seriously drunk/stoned last night and I am having great diffuculty recalling what the fuck actually happened. So you will have to just live with what I can remember.

A small but determined band of merry men joined card battle in the confines of Neil’s living room (early tense switch, yes). While short on numbers, the limited presence allowed for many different games to be played early and often.

Early rounds of Hold ‘Em and Omaha saw Chris lose a couple of buy-ins rather quickly as Bob built a fairly nice stack. Drake played his lone $10 investment protectively, and Smiley made a few early moves that didn’t work out so well. Miller’s fortunes were up and down, and Neil was forced into an early rebuy but levelled off nicely.

Chris continued a string of bad luck/bad calls as Bob’s stack continued to grow handsomely. Stud games saw Smiley turn his first rebuy into a fairly nice chuck of change off a couple of big hands, and Miller started to steady himself after a series of rebuys. Drake took Chris and Neil to school with a massive Omaha hand to the tune of $40 or so, which turned Drake into big stack all of a sudden. Bob’s luck started to run out (likely linked to his heroic intake of beer) and soon he was running short. Neil was scrambling to recover his losses and began to bleed chips onto the table, while Chris saw his fifth buy-in sucked out of his grasp.

Heading into Crazy Games, Chris was talked back into the game for $20, a move that would later pay dividends. Federation Day, Choose Your Own Adventure, The Four Whores, Garbage Day, Rain Main, Pregnant Cows, Slaughterhouse, The Curse of Ricardo Monteban and a new game called Witch Hunt all made showings. Omaha variation s of several Crazy Games made them even crazier than before, which was thrilling and insane all at the same time.

Drake sucked sizable hands out of both Bob and Miller, eventually resulting in Bob totally busting out. Neil was cleaned out for the third time and was forced into a rebuy for the crazy games. Smiley was cautious with his stack, as he was unfamiliar with some of the games and seemed content to hang onto most of his chips. Chris shrewdly parlayed his latest $20 investment into $40, reducing the sting of an otherwise poor night. Drake hauled in a few more hands till Neil was again cleaned out for the fourth time. With the night drawing to a close around 2:30 a.m., a few card cuts and some discussion over the pot being $5 light (I wasn’t in charge of the money or chips, for the record), the games drew to a close.

Big Winner: Drake, with +$55 off a single $10 buyin.

Big Loser: Neil with -$40 (I’m always Big Something, it seems)

Gutsy Move of the Night: Chris laying down another $20 after already being $50 in the hole, and recouping enough to only end up -$30 for the night

Big Hand: Drake’s Jacks Over full house cleaning this shit out of Chris and Neil in a $40+ hand of Omaha.

Worst Idea of the Night: Drake convincing Neil to order massively large donairs at 3:20 a.m., which literally made them both lose their fucking minds and shaved several years off their respective lifespands

Science Content: A well-known side effect of alcohol is lowering inhibitions. Areas of the brain responsible for planning and motor learning are dulled. A related effect, caused by even low levels of alcohol, is the tendency for people to become more animated in speech and movement. This is due to increased metabolism in areas of the brain associated with movement, such as the nigrostriatal pathway. This causes reward systems in the brain to become more active, and combined with reduced understanding of the consequences of their behavior, can induce people to behave in an uncharacteristically loud and cheerful manner. Also, if you are Bob, getting hammered leads to you making insane calls and losing all your money.

Quote of the Night: “That’s why I’m all about boning chick’s minds … subliminally!” – uttered by Bob during some Dry Ice induced rant about mentally controlling women or something, I was too drunk to recall properly.

I personally didn’t arrive until 9:20 p.m. to find a large group of people already fully entrenched in gambling, so forgive me for not recapping what was happening up until this point.

What I can tell you is that Bob had a huge amount of chips before him in a little something we all know and love called the Bob Wall. The one known as Dirty was wearing sunglasses which made me immediately suspicious of his sanity, but he also had a large amount of money in front of him so I guess they were working. The rest of the chips were kind of evenly spread around the table I think, with the exception of Speedbag who earned kudos for bringing my Bag of Holding for me but had yet suffered the same fate as last week by busting entirely out very early in the night.

With so many people, games were limited to Omaha, Hold ‘Em & Guts (with no interest in Pineapple, it seems). Rounds took a long time because of all the talking and bet prodding, but slowly the game took shape.

Bob was dominating early and often, using his large stack to push people out of hands left & right, with people foolish enough to remain in to discover he actually had the cards in the end. Alex was sucking at the other end of the poker teet, as his luck could not have been worse had his butted in front of a leprechaun at the movies on Friday the 13th, as he was forced to fold almost everything that came before him.

EBOC played his usual “sure, why the fuck not” style, winning one hand but summarily losing several in a row, eventually busting out totally rather early in the night. Eric’s luck was little better, as he was forced to rebuy several times, eventually culminating in another trip to a local ATM that henceforth shall be called “Eric’s Trip” after the now defunct Haligonian alt-rock band of the same name.

Tiger played with typical caution and verve, and he and Bob were usually two of the last people battling over chips in the pots, with success both ways. Neil (yes, I am switching tenses) played cautiously as he was dealt mostly garbage cards for a long time and had no idea how the Miller Four played.

Dirty was a decent if not deliberate player who usually made the right calls based on pot odds and the like. Marchant seemed almost random with his play, he was very hard to get a read on but busted out midway through the night and was removed from the equation. Steve was somewhat haphazard which made him difficult to predict but he did make a couple of nice moves on hands after busting out a few times early. Smiley was by far the most entertaining as he was clearly a poker novice and was a good sport about everything. This factor grew exponentially after we shared some pot, to the surprise of no one.

After several large wins for Bob during Omaha and Hold ‘Em, Dirty’s stack shrunk and Bob’s grew. Alex was deep in the red at this point, but Miller finally carved out a beachhead of chips. Tiger had some decent stacks of dollar chips, and seemed content to not risk them unecessarily. Steve’s stack whittled away slowly, but Smiley seemed to occasionally win a hand, keeping his ability to call blinds intact.

A turning point of the night happened as Neil went all in three times in a row in Omaha and managed to quadruple, triple and double up respectively, turning his $4 stack into an impressive $100 or so in a matter of three hands. This also in turn cleaned out Bob in a sudden shocking move, as Neil’s three 10s somehow survived numerous full house and flush draws in a nail-biting game of Omaha.

Alex’s bad luck soon saw him bust out well down on the night, and the Crazy Games were officially afoot. Due to the influx of new members, the pace was slow as we had to explain the rules of each crazy game, but both Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, Slaughterhouse and eBay were met with interest. Baseball, despite Bob’s constant shilling, was not met with the best of receptions. Smiley then invented an unholy hybrid of Pregnant Cows and eBay which allowed Neil to relieve both Miller and Dirty of the last of their chips, and with a huge portion of the chips in front of Neil and the hour drawing near, the evening was called.

Big Winner: Neil, with a delicious +$130 off a single buy-in

Big Loser: Alex, who saw $50 do little for him over the night

Hot Streak: Neil’s aforementioned insane 4x/3x/2x combo

Big Hand: Neil’s three 10s somehow holding off two full house draws and two flush draws to the tune of about $70 in the pot

Another Huge Hand: Neil’s five Aces schooling Dirty’s five 5s and Eric’s five 10s in a game of Pregnant eBay for a delightful $40 pot (made all the more amusing by the fact that Miller was all in from the get go and actually drew to five 10s without the aid of auction cards or betting & that Neil was forced to pay approx. $45 of his own stack to buy wildcards just so Dirty would not have them)

Strange Allegory of the Night: Bob’s giant can of Old Milwaukee being compared to a dinosaur and his huge stack of chips in front of him compared to an electric fence keeping the can from killing us all.

Ironic Twist: Bob’s revelation that two cans of this dinosaur-sized beer were “not getting the job done”.

Science Content: Blushing is caused by confused state of mind acts upon the sympathetic nervous system. From there, the vasodilators are stimulated which causes the peripheral capillaries to expand. As a result, more blood flows to the surface of the face and neck, resulting in the reddening of the face and neck. Also, if you are Tiger, you apparently blush when you have good cards, according to Bob.

Good Idea of the Night: Bob suggesting that in games of Guts where nobody goes in, instead of just everyone tossing in another ante, the person with the highest hand has to pay the pot (aka, The Coward Penalty). *Subject to further HGPA ratification.

Quote of the Night: “Ooooh – snap! In yo’ face, niggaz!” – The seemingly preppy Steve after busting caps into the asses of Dirty and Tiger in a three-way Gang War.

Other Quote of the Night: “Yeah, well, this is just how I operate, you see. – EBOC just before a patented EBOC Call of Justice with questionable cards that may or may not end up winning

Honorable Mention: “Man, I can’t believe I am resorting to Harry Potter jokes.” – Neil, after realizing he had just made a reference to Hogwart’s as part of his never-ebbing nonsensical stream of pop-culture idiom.

A larger than expected turnout once again forced the use of one of Neil’s endtables as a chair, if only for a brief time.

The action was fast and furious, even by HGPA standards, as there were four all-ins and 4 bust outs in the first five hands of the night, courtesy of some wild Omaha play. A bamboozled Speedbag, fresh of a hiatus from the weekly games, was busted directly off the table before the button even got back to him after calling the first game of the night.

Games of Hold ‘Em and Omaha rotated as Alex, Chris and Neil built up some respectable stacks. Eric couldn’t seem to find the luck, and Drake played his usual protective style. Bob hit a few big hands early but soon found his chips leaking. Cracker dazzled the table with his provocative all-in calls while holding almost nothing, and Carsten’s stay was indeed a short one as he busted out about an hour into the night after burning through a pair of buy-ins.

With the numbers at seven, some surprisingly spirited games of High/Low Chicago resulted in a lot of chips moving around, including Drake managing to hit both ends on a nice Kings-over full house with the king of spades underneath. Despite his bleary eyes and immense fatigue, Chris bent Neil over nicely to split a large $90 pot, as his 2 of spades eked out over Neil’s 3 of the same suit, with Alex’s three aces surprisingly holding strong. Bob managed to turn his stack around a little, and Eric continued to struggle to find the cards he needed.

As Crazy Games approached, Cracker busted out for a third time, relegating himself to the sidelines for a while. Bob made a lunatic call in Baseball, drawing one of the five cards he needed to make his full house with his last card, effectively sapping Chris of the remainder of his spirit if not his chips. Neil managed to clean Bob out on a large $25 hand, sending Bob into a spiral of debt. Alex cautiously guarded his monstrous stack of black chips, as Drake played defensively with his as well. Chris cashed out up a fair amount as the Crazy Games began.

Cracker, Eric & Drake all saw themselves forced back into their wallets for Crazy Games, as Neil and Alex continued to build stacks. A lot of Garbage Day was played, with full houses falling to larger full houses or inevitable four of a kinds. Montezuma’s Revenge saw Neil’s straight flush soundly beaten by Bob’s trip 10s, promptly followed by his three 3s losing to Eric’s three 7s. Rain Man, Federation Day and the ubiquitous wholesale all-ins that only Pregnant Cows & The Four Whores can bring were also played. New games called Fingers and The Curse of Ricardo Monteban debuted, with interesting results. Two very close and dramatic Gang Wars saw a lot of chips move from one stack to the other, and soon Drake and Cracker were both totally out while Bob made a resurgence all the way back from -$40. A few hands later, Eric was also down for the count and the game was called due to the late hour, a full 2 1/2 hours into Crazy Games.

Big Winners: Alex & Neil, both around +$50

Big Losers: Cracker & Eric, both around -$40

Big Draw: Bob drawing the last wild card with his last card to pull a full house out of the air in Baseball.

Close But No Cigar: Neil’s sending $28 to Alex and Chris after the latter’s 2 of spades destroyed Neil’s 3 of spades in a lucrative game of Low Chicago.

No House Like Full House: Alex folding four full houses in a row, pre-flop.

We’re All Fucking Crazy Award: For all of us and our near constant all-in calls at the start of the night.

Drama Central: Bob almost pulling off a monstrous Gang War win versus Neil despite having three undercards.

Thanks a Lot, Loser: Eric getting shafted twice in a row during Garbage Day because of unexpected folds.

Quote of the Night: “For the record, I love titties. So shut the fuck up.” – Cracker defending his masculinity and thus setting the tone of the evening.

A repeat of last week’s showing once again descended on Alex’s pretty little world and settled in for a nice night of gambling.

The game opened with rounds of Omaha dealing the usual damage to the usual suspects. Chris built a nice stack early, while Bob & Eric were both bled out quick. Drake played his usual protective style, and Neil’s vain attempt to not play wild was a total failure. EBOC played loose but not as loose as usual because of a limited bankroll, and Alex picked his spots as best he could.

A few games of High/Low/Bloody Chicago saw some pretty wild betting, with several large stacks of chips exchanging hands on numerous occasions. One especially cruel hand saw Drake’s king of spades losing to Bob’s Ace of spades – one of the three times in a row Bob received the ace of spades in High Chicago.

Eric managed to pull off a nice bluff as he convinced everyone he had the nuts only to reveal he had bupkus, securing a huge pile of chips for himself after some early woes. Chris was up to 50-60 bucks at one point, but hit a dry spell and saw his stacks wither. EBOC soon found his luck run out as he ran out of chips and money and fled the table in search of poutine.

After pulling himself back near even with a big full house pull in Omaha, Neil promptly lost almost all his chips to Alex’s nut straight on the very next hand. Bob then hit a tremendous string of wins and built an impressive wall of chips which he would ride the rest of the evening. Rounds of Texas Hold ‘Em and Pineapple didn’t result in too many changes leading into Crazy Games.

Pregnant Cows, Federation Day, Baseball, Garbage Day, Sweaty Mexican Whore, Montezuma’s Revenge, Let’s Have a Barbeque, The Four Whores and a new game called Rain Man that totally confused the hell out of everyone except Chris all made showings during the Crazy Game period. Chris’ chip stack continued to dwindle after a particularly massive hand he lost against Bob, and Drake’s comeback screeched to a halt after his straight flush hit Eric’s five queens in Pregnant Cows. Neil’s insane attempt to draw to a flush on Bob with three cards left in baseball was a costly $4 lesson. Alex took down a couple of small hands with some particularly aggresive betting, while Eric nutured what was still decent sized stack. With Neil and Drake now out, the Crazy Games drew to a close.

Big Winner: Bob, with somewhere in the area of +$50

Big Loser: Neil, for the third week in a row, with -$50

Big Hand of the Night: Chris drawing three queens with his last three cards in Sweaty Mexican Whore, answering the question as to where the hell all the queens were the whole time and thus giving Chris a hand of six threes.

Best Win in Absentia: Alex going all-in in High Chicago with his small stack and after seeing what everyone else had face up, leaving the room to find more money to rebuy with, only to come back and discover his K-Q-J unsuited actually won him half the sidepot for a small profit on the hand.

Quote of the Night: “I wish I had a plane to fly into those fucking twin towers in front of Bob over there.” - Drake, referring to Bob’s skyline of chips complete with a replica WTC site made out of dollar chips.

Honorable Mention: “If I don’t win this hand, I’m going to fucking punch someone.” – Neil, commenting on what he presumed was a surefire win after numerous disasterous losses. No punches were thrown.

* Best Conversation During The Break Award *Chris: Hrm, interesting. *perusing Alex’s bookcase of comics and graphic novels*

Alex: You see something you’d like to borrow, dude?

Chris: Oh, no, I was just seeing if there was anything there you could trade for chips if you bust out again.